Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
