Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
