I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
