I think my vagina is haunted
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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