So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize