I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
