everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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