You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
