I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
