He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
