im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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