all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
