he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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