Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize