We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
