god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
