i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
