so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
