Pappa wants mamma naked
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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