I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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