I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
