Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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