Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
