She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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