I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
