she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
