i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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