Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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