shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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