cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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