So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
