My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
