You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.