Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
