what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
