it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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