I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
