Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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