I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
