i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
