How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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