I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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