paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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