Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
