Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize