You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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