The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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