I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
