My nipple is on Facebook.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
