About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
