and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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